Hello Readers! Clevenger, here. So, now that you all are getting to know how we write, it’s time to get personal. I would like to post about mental health and how it affects the writing process. It’s a challenging road, and for those of us who struggle with our mental health, it can sometimes be even more so. But the creative process has long been tied to those who have mental health disorders and if properly channeled, can hopefully create art.

Since an early age, as early as ten or eleven that I can remember, I have suffered from depression. In my early 20s, it was severe enough that I entered treatment. During those years, life was hard for me. I was constantly feeling out of place, broken, unworthy, and alone. And if I would somehow find a path to success or change, I would self sabotage and break it all back down. I always wondered “What if I could have a different life?” or “What if I wasn’t meant to have this one?” And that consistent vision, that slip of having the things that people told me that should make me happy, but feeling miserable, was insufferable.

In early 2001, things were spiraling out of control for me. I was a wreck. I stopped thinking about if I could have a different life, and just thinking about not having the one I had. Thanks to some intervention, and a brief moment of clarity, I got into treatment. We deep dove into my psyche to find what my depression circled around, and see if I could manage and cope with it. I had an amazing doctor, and with time, I found ways to overcome so many of the things that contribute to my challenges. And I say ‘contribute’ because I still, 20 years later, deal with them on a day-to-day basis.

And in 2004, I had my first vision of Symon.

When attacking a scene or selecting where to start, I go to Symon or Kyrn. Kyrn and Symon are the characters that I choose to write in this series the most. When approaching a scene, I have a clearer viewpoint about who they are. In a lot of ways, they represent the challenges that I face and struggle with. He is, in many ways, the story that I told myself during those hard times, and through the art of therapy and creation was birthed from there.

One of my original struggles was that incessant feeling of not belonging. Like there was something that I was missing. During my teen years, I was trying desperately to fit in, to belong somewhere, but never achieved it. I had a stable family, I had a safe home, I was a perfectly “normal” kid. But I never felt satisfied. For everything that I was told I should want, it didn’t fit me. And with Symon, I can show that. He’s an affluent kid. He’s got the “right” friends, he’s got a stable father, a suitable career in front of him, but deep down he knows it’s not “him.” Every day he’s looking for happiness and trying to find it, and failing.

The other part of Symon that really resonates with me is his relationship with his father. In a previous post, I talked about how this meant a lot to me. Here, I will explain why. Today, I have a a great relationship with my father. And more and more, I become like him. But when I was struggling as a kid, that wasn’t the case. We never realized how alike we could be, because we (and both of us) could only see how different we were.

We have talked about how I represented insecurities to him. He struggled in school to read. I read all the time. He knew about sports. I had zero interest in sports. So we couldn’t find that connection. What I saw at the time, was a man who loved his little girl, my sister, more than me. He gave her attention, he bragged about her. But not me. But I have come to learn that was not true.

When he talked about me to his friends, it was always how I was so much smarter than he was. That I was destined to be something special. That I would never get stuck like he did. He didn’t know how to guide me, so he was trying to stay out of my way. He was a young dad (that’s a story for another time) and was doing his best. It was also well before mental health was readily talked about or identified, and neither of us knew what we needed. But now, as an adult and father myself, I can see what he was doing for the love that it was. And I love him.

Symon’s relationship with Kyrn is built of this understanding. Kyrn has done everything he can to build the life he thinks is right for his son. Unknowingly, he’s putting limitations on his child that are restraining Symon. Symon feels this and is struggling to break through. With the power of a fantasy setting, I can show those struggles with Symon and his magical Gift, his father’s mysterious past, and other story elements that mirror that journey I took with my own father.

Kyrn himself and his story is another part of my story. Another issue that I struggle with is ‘Imposter Syndrome’ and balancing it with my self identity. When I was in school, if I knew the answer to the questions, I would never raise my hand for fear of being “that kid.” I wanted to hide my light, so that I didn’t make anyone uncomfortable. Kyrn is a man in hiding. His story of putting his past away, only for it to come back to find him represents that in me.

Inside each of our characters, there are bits and pieces of our story. Elements that are interpretations of my struggles, my success, my hopes and dreams. Each of those little voices has a unique side of my growth through mental health. I hope that someone somewhere can see those and be inspired by them.

I’ll sit back and let Graham share with you his tale.

Until then. Be Kind.

Clevenger